As a result of these experiences, or traumas, our child mind seeks to understand what has just occurred and we try to make sense out of it. To understand our traumatic experiences, we unconsciously made a story to explain what has just happened to us.  It looks like this- we need mom to comfort us about something and rather then recognizing our need and upset, she is dismissive and preoccupied with something else. As a child this hurts and bewilders us and we don’t understand why she was not available and sympathetic. So…we make a story to explain our experience to ourselves. Our story becomes-if mom loved me then she would have been available and attuned to me and she would have provided the comfort I needed. This story- also unconsciously-then becomes a rooted belief-If mom loved me she would have been there when I expressed my need. Mom must not love me. I am not lovable.

This, then, is an unconscious process that we all automatically engage in-to understand our experiences- and then our beliefs about ourselves become what we know and we live them AS IF they are truths about us but they are not.  As a therapist and a workshop facilitator-I am committed to freeing people from the limitations of their wounds-because any time we live a belief- it is always a limiting belief. I un-spool people from their beliefs-back to their stories- back again- to the traumatic event that caused the story to develop in the first place. It is the un-packing of belief-story-trauma or event-that allows one to move from living a belief as if it is the truth-to exploring what their authentic truth actually is and begin living in freedom and joy.

This is a wildly exciting process as my clients get to discover that their truth is so much greater than they have ever realized and often clients find that who they thought they were is in fact not the truth of them at all!

Advice from Sophia Amargi

As I review this last year, I am most aware of how our relationship to money and the acquisition of things has to change, even if we don’t want it to. What happens if you’ve had money and now you have less or even much less?

There is a kind of broad based denial in many of the families I work with. They do not want to face the fact that that they simply do not have the same access to money now, that they did a year ago.

The primary way in which this denial shows up is in how mom and dad do not speak honestly to their kids about the need to reign in spending in general, and go without some things in specific.

If High School Suzie has always gotten the gifts, the shoes, the designer bag she wanted and dad and mom can no longer afford to indulge this-do they talk about it honestly and deal with the feelings that come up or do they pretend that nothing has changed for fear they will upset their daughter?

One of the necessary developmental pieces for us all is to deal with and manage frustration. The terrible 2′s are the time in which mom and dad are supposed to help the child tolerate their frustration in wanting-lets say- a lollipop- but in having to tolerate the frustration of not having their desire fulfilled.

You see- the 2 year old feels, irrationally, as if he will die in that very moment if he doesn’t get what he wants-hence the tantrum freak-out.

Mom and dad have to help him through this- by acknowledging his feelings as real and valid, but helping him to manage the actual upset he feels when he cannot have the object he desires. The child then learns he will not die if he has to go without something he wants.

So High School Suzie, then, has to deal, honestly, with not having everything she wants. If she has identified as a person whose value is linked to having stuff, this means that her very value as a person is then called into question if she can’t have what she desires.

In the worst case this may mean she feels like she is worth less. In the best case-it is an opportunity to reinvent herself using a different value system. She can’t do this with out help and support from mom and dad.

So, as we move into the new year- I remind you that you are no longer two years old. Delaying gratification will not kill you. If you have not mastered frustration tolerance-now is the perfect time to build some muscle around this as the need to re-define and re-value ourselves is being reflected all around us.

Indulge the lollipop-delay the Lexus!